TeenAge Boys Are Idiots
Whatever possessed me to drag Josh and his friend Connor to Kohl's with me today? The only thing on the planet that could possibly be worse than one teenage boy is two. For some reason, I thought it might be easier to have the two of them as opposed to Anna, but it seems I was wrong.
I should have known it was a bad idea before we even left the house. Connor fell down the stairs and laughed uproariously, and carried on as if he had just discovered a vaccine for AIDS. And since it was so much fun to fall down them the first time, he did it three more times, with varying degrees of drama. Josh was an active participant, setting up falls for Connor. I finally told him if he fell and hurt himself, I was dragging him out in the street because I was not going to pay for his hospitalization and wheelchair.
So after all that, I still took them on an errand with me. We got through the door of Kohl's and they immediately starting whooping like hyenas and galumphing up and down the aisles. Little old ladies cowered by the lingerie in terror as Josh and Connor went thundering past. Grown men took cover in housewares as they came galloping by. It was bad.
I sent them off to look at clothes and Josh came running back five minutes later, giggling maniacally. "Connor's trying to hurt me," he panted as he tried to hide behind me. I beat him off with a hanger and told him to get lost. Then he and Connor got one of those carts with the stroller and Josh started off down the aisle pushing Connor in it, with Connor looking like some sort of overgrown baby with a glandular disorder. Then Connor got up and Josh kept pushing and hamstringed Connor, knocking him back into the cart, which they of course found hilarious.
By this time, I realized I had made a huge error in judgement. So I decided to try ignoring them. I headed over to the men's department with them yapping at my heels like a couple of overgrown, overbred Jack Russell Terriers. They wove in and out of the racks, hitting at each other and hooting.
So I headed to the girls department. The toy department is right next to it and those two little scamps found the light sabers. Idiots! They proceeded to have a pitched battle to save the universe or possibly just a battle to see who could send me screaming from the store first. Thrust, Parry, Thrust, Parry, through the infants department and into girls underwear.
Of course they couldn't ignore the underwear and they had to try out the different styles of training bra that were available. They may also have picked up the underwear, but by then I was hightailing it to another department. Idiots!!!
I met Kiirah by the accessories department where she was trying to talk me into buying her a white purse for $14. I told her forget about it, Labor Day is just around the corner and it was too expensive to carry for a month. See, I do pay attention to Southern Living!! Unbeknownst to us, Connor and Josh were creeping up and they started dropping Q-Tips down her back.
By this time, had taken as much as I could. I went to the jewelry department to buy some earrings to wear daily so Kristie doesn't have to keep re-piercing my ears! Meanwhile, Josh and Connor were tormenting Kiirah by continuing to dump things down her back. We went to check out and I offered to leave Josh there to be used as a mannequin, but the sales lady turned me down. I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that he and Connor were in the waiting area just outside the door and Josh was rolling around on the ground under the bench, writhing like a worm. Not real sure why he was doing that, but does there really have to be a reason???
After acting like toddlers all day, Josh and Connor are going out to the movies tonight with two girls. It is completely supervised; Connor's mom will be sitting behind them, warning them to keep their sabers put away. Thirteen is a weird age: toddlers one minute and boys 2 men the next. I cannot believe I have two more children waiting in the wings to go through this. Must....get...to...Mexico.....
