dailydiatribes

Ok, I have to admit, my capacity for stupidity is truly endless.  A little history….I have a love/hate relationship with my treadmill.  From the first day I tried to use it and went shooting off the back (see earlier blogs) to my bout with sciatica after getting too over zealous with my workouts, the treadmill and I are not friends.  But I still try to use it, seeing as how it’s the only workout I can manage to do consistently.  After all, you can’t watch Regis and Kelly if you’re walking outside in the heat!!

So I started using the treadmill routinely again about three weeks ago.  I have been doing pretty well and can do about 30 minutes, which is half of Regis and Kelly…not bad if you ask me.  But I have been noticing a little strain in my sciatic nerve for the last several days.  And I am very afraid I will end up bedridden again like the last time.

So yesterday, after going and retrieving Anna from the neighbor’s house, I decided I would pop a couple of Naprosyn to see if I could get the inflammation to go away.  So I went into the bathroom, grabbed a couple out of the bottle, swallowed them and forgot about it.

My power was out all afternoon yesterday and Nancy came over with her kids so we could all be bored in the dark together.  While she was over, I noticed I seemed a little woozy.  I chalked it up to the heat and didn’t think much of it.  The kids were fighting, so we decided to head up to McDonalds and let them fight on the indoor playground and we could at least sit in air conditioning and referee them. 

By now, I was not feeling well at all.  I was extremely nauseous, and I was afraid I had picked up something from visiting Joey at Children’s Hospital despite the beautiful yellow gown I wore when I visited him.  Nancy offered to run me back to the house, but I love her enough not to saddle her at McDonald’s with five children.  Besides, it was hot at the house.  I told her not to worry, I would get  a Sprite when we got there to see if it settled my stomach.

We got there, and I was sitting there nursing my Sprite when the truth hit me.  I wasn’t sick at all:  I WAS STONED.  How did I accomplish this amazing feat you ask yourselves?  Well, it seems the prescription bottle I picked up in the bathroom was not Naprosyn at all, it was LORTAB!!   AND I TOOK TWO!!!! 

Nancy came back and sat down and I shared the good news with her.  “Nancy, I’m stoned,” I told her.  She gave me a peculiar look, one that said “and I’ve been letting my children play at your house…” but I assured her it was not a routine thing.  I plan on smoking marijuana frequently as soon as I no longer have to be a role model for my children, but for now, I am clean as a whistle!!  I do not routinely take prescription meds, other than my thyroid pills and my Lexapro, which I take to keep me from worrying about my kids catching leukemia at the playground.

So there we sat at McDonald's with me looking at the pretty stones they used in the new counter and Nancy looking at me like I was about to light up a hookah pipe.  Well, if I had one....Anyway, the longer we sat, the woozier I got.  Kiirah, my niece, said I flailed around a lot like Jack Sparrow, minus the eye makeup.

Well, when we finally left, I came home and went straight to bed at 6:00.  The power was still out, but at this point, I did not care at all!  I was happy to be horizontal, counting technicolor sheep in my bedroom.  I slept until 7:00 this morning!  I do remember Tim coming in and checking my pulse occasionally and I know it stormed last night, but other than that, I was out for the count!!

For all of you druggies who are shaking their heads and saying "two Lortab....that wouldn't even faze me!" get over it!!  I don't take drugs!!  I am waiting to be a stoner granny.  I can tell my kids I have never smoked marijuana, but the grandkids are a different story!!  "No guys, granny doesn't have Alzheimers, she's just stoned!!!"  So if you want to get me something for Christmas, I am ready to start my bong collection!!