dailydiatribes

I am sorry, I know I have been mute for awhile, but we have been so busy!  It seems there is something different going on every day and the weekends are crammed full with fun activities.

For example, last Sunday, I was invited to a Bridal Tea.  I do not know the bride, but I know her parents fairly well.  So I decided to go, seeing it as a nice opportunity to get out of the house and eat some party food. 

 I may be alone in this (except, I know, for Gianna), but I could actually subsist on party food.  Give me an appetizer buffet with Little Smokies in barbecue sauce, meatballs, mini quiches, crustless sandwiches and petit fours and I will be endlessly happy!  I will even eat some of the fruit and veggie offerings just to appear health conscious to those who do not know me well! I love the idea of Wedding Crashers because I would be crashing just for the food!

Anyway, so I had to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond for the gift.  I had to stand in line for ten minutes just to get the registry.  I was going to get a gift card, but I decided it was too impersonal.  So I stood in the line for the list.  Once I got it, we strolled through the store, trying to find something from the list that the store actually carried.  Almost 3/4 of the items were not available in the store, which floored me.  If it's not available to buy, then how did she register for it in the first place??  The things available in the store were generally the $100 plus items, which were not in my budget.  Besides, I don't even know the bride!

Finally, I decide on a lovely shower curtain which cost more than my weekly grocery bill.  I took it and paid for it, then decided to get it wrapped.  Has anyone seen "Love Actually" where Alan Rickman decides to get his possible girlfriend a gift and takes it to be wrapped?  And Rowan Atkinson turns the simple act into a production worthy of Martha Stewart?  Well, that's how this was, minus the potpourri.  The girl behind the counter pulled out around 2000 sheets of white tissue paper and artfully stuffed each one into the bag, arranging them just so.  Then she cut some ribbon, then she looped the ribbon, then she took it out and looped it again, then she pulled it up into a bow, then another bow, then another, then another....I was ready to pull the ribbon up around her neck until her eyeballs bulged, but decided it wasn't worth trying to outrun security!

So Sunday afternoon, after dropping Abby off for nun practice, I headed for the Tea.  I arrived on time and ready to party.  I walked in the door and met the bride, who was very lovely and bride like, greeting guests as they walked in the door.  I thought this was a very nice touch.  I scanned the room, realized I knew absolutely no one, except the hostesses and I began regretting my acceptance almost immediately.

So I went for the food, seeing as how it was my primary reason for attending anyway.  So you can imagine my dismay as I faced possibly the most pathetic array of party food ever!  It was set up buffet style on the island.  The first offering was Chex Mix!  I mean come on, it wasn't even homemade, or White Chocolate Turtle, or even Southwestern, it was just plain Chex Mix.  Ugghh!  Following behind it was a bowl of dinner mints which no party is complete without.  They are just the perfect touch of elegance!!  Yeah right, that's like putting a doily under the spam and calling it gourmet!!

But the next platter was really the final insult.  It was filled with tiny little square sandwiches, with the crusts cut off to make them pretty.  I was hopeful so I took two.  Imagine my complete dismay when I bit into one and discovered it was chicken salad made with UNDERWOOD DEVILED CHICKEN!!!!!  Of course, they threw in some grapes and pecans to make it seem fancy, but I could unfortunately visualize the little red Underwood devil dancing with glee at my disgust!!  I know for sure it was Underwood, because it has such a distinctive taste, sort of like potted meat, with some baby shit stirred in for texture.

The only other foods offered were strawberries and petit fours, so I consoled myself by defying convention and eating two petit fours!!  I am sure I scandalized the proper southern ladies there who would never let so much as one petit four cross her lips, but I have always been a rebel what can I say!  As a final indignity, there was NO TEA AT ALL!!!  Only some nasty punch that was nothing but Hawaiian Punch.  I am sure they stirred something else into it, but for all intents and purposes, it was Hawaiian Punch, which I stopped drinking in the 4th grade.  It was very slushy, and unfortunately for this blog, I did not manage to drop an entire clump of frozen punch on my face.  Would have made for good reading though!!

Ok, so here I am at a Tea, with no Tea, I don't know anyone, and I keep waiting for something to happen.  At 2:30, after I had been there for a full thirty minutes, the truth became known to me:  Nothing more was going to happen!!  Evidently, as each gift came in, the Storm Trooper bridesmaids would whisk it away, peel back the 10,000 layers of tissue paper and open the gift for the bride!!!!   FOUL, MURDER, POLICE!!!  What kind of  party is that where the guest of honor doesn't even get to open her own damn presents????????  No decent food, no booze, and now no present opening???

Where was the veil made out of bows and paper??  Where were the stupid shower games filled with sly innuendo regarding the wedding night???  Where was the booze???

All my expectations were dashed.  Of course, the bride had it worse because she had to stay in her chair by the front door the entire time.  She didn't even get to see her loot, unwrapped so lovingly by the Nazi bridesmaids!!  How do we know they weren't stashing the good stuff somewhere so they could smuggle it out later??   I thought about grabbing the bride by the hand, snatching all the petit fours and making a run for Wings where we could get some decent food and a beer, but decorum got the better of me, and I made my demure good byes and got the hell out of Dodge!! 

Needless to say, when my daughters get married, all the parties will be huge, with fabulous food and enough tequila to float a boat!!  And by God, they will open their own presents so the bridesmaids can't pick and choose from the merchandise!!