dailydiatribes

The first thing I want to know is where my remote control has gone???  It still has not turned up and we are getting tired of moving from the couch to the television set to change channels.  This increased physical activity will seriously interfere with our quest to enter a complete vegetative state.  I am going to contact Crime Stoppers to see if I can get a poster made.  We will, of course, be offering a reward for any information leading to the whereabouts of the remote control.  I may have to get America's Most Wanted involved.

I want to know why no one in my family wants anything to do with me until I am on the phone or on the toilet.  As soon as I become occupied in one (or both) of those activities, I suddenly become fascinating to the people who live with me, including my husband.  This morning, my children did not speak to me at all until I got on the phone.  Then Josh started waving newspapers in my face, demanding I read a news story.  It was extremely urgent that I drop everything right then to look at the World Cup Scores.  Never mind that I was in the middle of a conversation with Kathleen, or that I had been home all day and he hadn't spoken one word to me, he needed my attention right then.  Why??

I want to know why no one ever reads the books we pick for our book group?  It seems kind of basic to me:  if you join a book group, you read the books.  Yet month after month, no matter what book is chosen, people show up and have not even cracked the cover.  A lot of times, it's because they haven't been able to borrow my copy or the library's copy.  Well hello, Books A Million and Barnes and Noble are fully stocked.  You can even go to the Thrift Store and pick up a copy of most books extremely cheap.  Most activities you join require some sort of fee, so is it too much to ask for people to pick up one paperback a month??  Why would you join a book group if you are not going to read the books? 

When you go to Dairy Queen and order a chocolate dipped cone, why does the ice cream not fall out of the cone when the worker dips it in the chocolate?  We went today and I watched him dip all the cones and not one drop of ice cream fell out.  Why?  I asked the girl at the counter if ice cream ever fell out into the chocolate and she looked at me like I was crazy and said "no".  I came home and looked all over the internet, researching the physical properties of Dairy Queen ice cream and found nothing to answer my question.  My theory is that they use Elmer's glue in with the cream and sugar and it holds it all together.  I am still looking to confirm this theory.

Why does my husband think I should be at his beck and call 24/7?  If he wants something done, I am supposed to drop everything and do it immediately.  If I suggest he do it himself, he goes nuts and acts like I am lower than an insect for refusing to instantly gratify whatever whim he has.  We're not just talking about sex here; I mean if he wants the remote control located, a roll of toilet paper brought to him, a field hoed, I am supposed to drop whatever I am doing and run to his side immediately to perform the task at hand.  I could be in the middle of doing research for my Nobel Prize winning project, and he would throw a fit if I didn't drop my bunsen burner and help him find his favorite blue shirt.  Why are men helpless??

More questions to be pondered later....