dailydiatribes

And Without Further Adieu, the Fourth Circle of Hell is.....The Galleria.  Or as Gianna calls it, the Gonorrhea. 

How could I have forgotten how much I hate going there, or to any shopping mall for that matter?  Target, Kohl's and Wal-Mart satisfy all of my shopping needs; there is no reason to fight the traffic, circle for a space, find and memorize an entrance (ok everyone, we came in by the plus size girdles, don't forget...) and then tromp for hours.

Last night I took all the girls in my care to the Galleria.  I brutally refused to bring Josh, which was simply self preservation on my part.  The girls included the 16 year old cousin, Abby, her friend Gigi, and Anna.  Anna began the trip by whining all the way there because she was sitting in the back seat instead of in the middle.   I should have gone with my gut right then and turned around. 

But no, masochist that I am, I plugged on, determined to plunder the Galleria for retail riches.  We arrived and scored a fairly decent parking space at Parisians.  We went in (by the men's shoes everyone...) and began our shopping odyssey.

We first headed for the food court.  We had been at the pool all day (which is a whole other topic, but remember the Baby Ruth scene from Caddyshack???) and we were starving.  But first, Anna HAD to ride the carousel.  The carousel used to be the highlight of a trip.  When Josh and Abby were little, it was a buck and you paid the little retarded guy who ran it.  He did a great job and was always smiling. 

Now it's two dollars and you have to buy a stupid token.  Well, all I had was change, so I had to borrow the dollars from Abby and Gigi.  It's always embarrassing when you have to borrow money from 11 year olds, but payday is tomorrow!  Well, then I spent five minutes, and I am not exaggerating, trying to force the money into the token machine!!  It wasn't just me.  There was another lady there, and we were grunting and groaning and smoothing our dollars and making faces trying to get the stupid machine to take the stupid money.  I got it to take one, but it just didn't want the other dollar and Anna is standing there the whole time, pulling on me and telling me she wanted to ride the carousel.  I finally got the token and she was off!!  She picked her pony and I went and stood by the exit to wait.  I do not ride the carousel because I get motion sick!

While I was standing there, I noticed a Libby Lu birthday party in progress.  That just may be its own circle of hell.  And who should be at the party but my dear friend Margie??  I made eye contact with her daughter Mary Margaret first, the little cherub.  She was so cute, she saw me staring and her eyes got really big like she was thinking "whoa, the Brunners are here"?  She grabbed Margie who looked up and waved.  I waved back, but then turned to see Anna whizzing around again on her horse.

When the ride was done, we went to the Chick Fil A line to order food.  We sat down to eat and I looked up and Margie was gone.  We saw Anna's preschool teacher though, so we chatted for a few minutes.  I found out later that Margie had to leave suddenly because Mary Margaret had a carousel induced meltdown.  Margie, being a woman possessed of inordinate amounts of common sense, did not want to arm wrestle the machine for a token, and told Mary Margaret she could not ride.  This apparently led to a meltdown worthy of Anna the demon child and Mary had to be forcibly escorted from the building.  Ah, the joys of the Galleria are too many to enumerate....

We ate our dinner and then the journey began.  We headed to Belk's and walked around for awhile and then Abby wanted to go to Limited Too to spend a gift card.  Abby is at a difficult age because she has not defined herself yet and picking out clothing is agonizing.  Any suggestion I make is completely disregarded or brushed off as stupid.  I can't wait to go back to school shopping!!  Maybe I should rethink that Catholic school thing!!  She spent thirty minutes flitting around trying to decide and finally I yanked her.

Along our way, I was accosted by a lovely Israeli woman who ruthlessly yanked me over to her kiosk.  "I have to ask you a question," she told me smilingly as she reeled me in.  "Do you know what the Dead Sea is?"  I literally could not get away from her and she forced me to scrub my hands, moisturize, buff my nails, etc.  The whole time she was smiling and making relentless eye contact, but she would not let me go until I had gotten the full treatment.  I think she was shocked when I rejected the one time offer of all these products for only $25, but she did finally let me go!!  

We hit the escalator next, because Anna loves the escalator.  Those of you who are long time readers or simply know me well know I am, well, a bit of a worrier.  Ha ha.  I have a complete escalator phobia.  I know my children are going to be sucked into it and mutilated beyond recognition. Before we get on, I always do a shoe check, I hold their hands, and make sure they step to the center of the escalator.  At the top, we step off and I heave a huge sigh of relief, because we have dodged dismemberment one more time!

We walked and walked and walked and stayed for hours.  We went back to the Limited, where Abby finally spent her money on three pairs of socks and a pin.  Then Abby and Kara, the cousin, wanted to see the upper level shops.  I was absolutely over it by then, so I told them fine, go ahead.

I sat at a table in the food court after forking over 1.47 in change for a bottle of water.  Anna and Gigi were bored, so they decided to go play on the escalator which very nearly did me in.  At first, they were very careful, possibly because I was shrieking instructions from the food court.  Then they got careless and started leaping around on it.  After three trips, I had to curtail their fun, since I was hyperventilating.  So they moved to the elevator, which is much safer and just as much fun.  I contented myself with watching the gangbangers and the Goths congregate in various groups around me.

We left at 9 pm, with all of our limbs intact after the escalators and still reasonably financially solvent.  I had a massive, pounding headache and it was time to go!!!  We will return another day, with crisp dollars, shoestrings tied and gloves on to avoid the Dead Sea lady!!!