Surgeon General Warns Against Exercise
A news report released today contained a statement issued by the surgeon general warning Americans that exercise is a very bad idea.
"I know that in the past several decades, physical fitness has been the trend, but we are now discovering it has done more harm than good," he told doctors at the American Medical Association Convention in Aruba. "Your average poor slob who has spent years vegetating on the couch suddenly jumps up and decides to improve his health and he winds up in worse shape than before because of injury."
For example, if a 36 year old woman suddenly got health conscious and started using a treadmill routinely, her chances of injuring her sciatic nerve would more than quadruple. For that reason, the surgeon general advises a more gradual exercise routine, one that involves martinis and massages.
"The idea is to work up to a routine that is manageable," he told the assembled crowd. "During the first week, walk from the couch to the bar and practice lifting the shaker. Raising up on your toes while shaking increases your heart rate and counts as aerobic exercise. From there, work up to pouring the cosmopolitan into the glass and walking back to the couch. Repeat this three times daily for maximum health benefit."
It is also helpful to visit your local health club and receive massages, which stimulates blood flow, which also counts as aerobic exercise. These are two simple ways to improve mental and physical health.
He also advised doctors to prescribe more chocolate because it stimulates endorphins which can increase the heart rate. "While it doesn't necessarily lead to physical fitness, it makes people happy and what could be more important than that?"
When questioned about the advisability of his program, given rising obesity rates in the US, the surgeon general became very agitated. He accused reporters of being terrorists working for the organic health food industry. "Death to all natural kumquats," he shouted before launching himself at reporters and pummeling them with his laser pointer.
At that point, the surgeon general had to be physically restrained, while security was called. He was led away in cuffs, screaming "Trans fatty acids shall set you free!"
A spokeswoman for the surgeon general's office later issued a brief statement, saying "the surgeon general regrets his actions at the conference but he has been working overtime in his quest to find a cure for Ethiopian toenail fungus and has not been getting enough rest." When asked whether it was true the surgeon general had been caught freebasing Splenda, she refused to comment, saying only that he hoped to return to work next week.
