dailydiatribes

Blearily rose I from my bed of pain to pen this missive to my four admirers, knowing how you rely upon my daily ponderings to uplift your day (not that you couldn't get the same &#*(&) from a fortune cookie, but whatever!)

The foul spirits that have been inhabiting my body came out in a rush this a.m. as I leaned over the toilet, spewing up my guts.  I do not throw up gracefully, and by the time it was all over, it looked like a rubber chicken had exploded in the microwave.

I have spent the remainder of my day in bed, nibbling crackers and plotting the downfall of my mortal enemy, who shall remain nameless in this blog, except by the initial E.B.  From the class mammalia, phylum rodentia, or vice versa.  I did not do well in biology, my main purpose in school being to learn as many big words as possible so that I could fool people into thinking that I am much smarter than I am.

Alas, I have come up with no workable plan to overthrow the evil one, other than the obvious tacks in the chair, glue on the doorknobs, and that kind of thing.  I am considering seeking out my father's tribe and petitioning their shaman for help.  Perhaps the copious application of squirrel feces to her office door, while a chicken bone is waved and incantations are sung will drive her away.  I will pursue this as my health allows.

Those of you thinking, perhaps, that I am on f##ing drugs are incorrect, because part of the problem is I did not take my Lexapro today, fearing the demons would cast it out.  So see, this whole thing was generated in a completely unmedicated state.  And if that doesn't scare you, nothing will.

Ciao for now,
J