dailydiatribes

There is a quiz on AOL health this morning called Are You a Hypochondriac?  I took it and received an almost perfect score.  Do I know my neuroses or what??   I know it's bad to put a link here, but I still can't do the other thing....http://body.aol.com/health/hypochondriac.  Take the test and see how you compare because I am the reigning queen of Hypochondria!!

The first question is completely legitimate, although slightly off base:  When you have a headache, do you immediately look up symptoms of brain tumors?  Well, I actually start out with aneurysms and once I have ruled that out, then I head for tumor.

Question number two is about strokes.  It lists symptoms and asks which one is not a stroke symptom.  Well duh, I know shortness of breath is not a stroke symptom!  It's a symptom of pulmonary embolism!!  Like I'm stupid enough to get my vascular diseases confused!

Question three is sort of silly:  what sort of doctor's greeting should make you think twice?  Renee not only says "back already", she already has a multitude of reference books out, ready to make my diagnosis of bubonic dengue tubercular plague fever, a virus that can only be treated with Tylenol.  After all, SHE DIDN'T GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL FOR NOTHIN'!!!

I believe question four has been neatly resolved by events of the last week.  Obviously, not only do you need a surgical mask on hand, it should be worn AT ALL TIMES!!!  You never know when some idiot lawyer with TB (sorry A!!) is going to take it upon himself to honeymoon abroad and infect the unsuspecting.  Next time you are on a sunny Mediterranean beach and you see a happy couple frolicking in the waves, him bending over periodically to cough up a lung, you'll be glad to have that surgical mask close at hand!

With number 5, only the ER answer really applies to me.  Well, ok, I do use a paper towel to open the door of a public bathroom, but that's just common sense.  And I don't flinch when someone sneezes, I just bless them and move discreetly away, making sure my surgical mask is firmly in place.

Number 6 is a good one.  The internet is the most trusted source of medical information.  It is being constantly updated by hypochondriacs around the globe.  I know Renee went to medical school and all, but I bet she couldn't REALLY spout out the side effects of Yaz while out clubbing.  And what is she doing out clubbing anyway???  Can I trust a medical professional who hangs out at seedy bars?? 

Number 7 again addresses the number of doctor visits one makes.  Well of course I go at least once a month.  Doesn't everyone?  I want to start getting a total body scan once a quarter, just to be sure we're not missing anything.  I'm sure the radiation exposure will get me in the end, but at least I'll know what's going on with my insides.

Number 8 is a trick question.  Everyone knows brain tumor symptoms can be notoriously confusing.  A stuffy nose COULD be a symptom, because the tumor could be pressing down on the sinuses and interfering with proper drainage.  Don't these people read WebMD???

Number 9 is silly as well.  Of course there are not enough sick days.  One really shouldn't work between November and February at all, because cubicles are a breeding ground for dangerous bacteria.  And then the spring is no good because of allergies.  An ideal work year would be June to September.

Interestingly enough, number 10 is the only one I missed.  Can you guess why?  If you guessed it's because excessive use of antibacterials may contribute to the rise of superbugs, you guessed correctly!!  Every good hypochondriac knows that overuse of hand sanitizer could cause more harm than good in the end.  This is why I always wear surgical gloves with my mask!

Please take the quiz and see how you rate compared to me.  Now I've got to do some research on this  spot that has suddenly appeared on my leg.  It could be a bug bite, or it could be the first warning sign of scleroderma!