dailydiatribes

1.  I am having hormonal issues.  Because Renee is now one of my dearest friends, I can no longer see her for my "yearly" female checkup.  I can't imagine sitting at my favorite bistro with someone who just that morning told me to spread my legs and say ahhh (altho she didn't go to medical school for nothin'!!)  So I picked a new doctor and she decided I needed to take some hormones.  I have put on ten pounds in the last week, I've had insomnia, hot flashes, homicidal rages and a frequent urge to rape 85 year old men who suddenly look damn hot to me.  In short, I am a mess right now and I am never taking hormones again.  This has taken a toll on my creative side. 

2.  As if the hormones were not enough, I am experiencing terrible allergies for the first time in my life.  My eyes are so red I look like a stoned weasel who was trapped in a house fire.  My nose is stopped up, but still manages to run copiously.  My throat hurts and feels like an emery board.  I cough like a 300 pound truck driver with a 3 pack a day habit.  In short, I am a mess.  Again.  Add the above symptoms and you can see why I may have a problem being witty right now.

3.  We have a new puppy, possibly one of the single biggest mistakes of my adult life.  She is an adorable golden fluff ball, a golden retriever named Lulu.  She pees on the floor every fifteen minutes, regardless of how many times she has been outside.  She also likes to wake up and bark for twenty minutes at 2:00 in the morning.  When she did it this morning, Tim became enraged and hauled her, cage and all, down into the basement.  It muffled the cries somewhat, but not enough.  Tonight if she barks, I am going to drive her, cage and all, to the Cahaba River and set her afloat.  Maybe I'll send a few kids with her.

4.  The month of May is busier than December.  Every possible event comes crashing down all at once, including dance recitals, graduations, end of year parties, soccer parties, birthday parties, and all kinds of other events that cannot be missed.  Every event consists of pizza and cake.  We ate pizza and cake for six days straight.  If you were to take my blood, it would probably consist largely of tomato sauce and buttercream icing.  Add the hormones and my next child could look like the Domino's Pizza delivery guy, the freaky one with the nail in his ear and the tatoos on his legs.  Frequently, these events occur at the same time, at opposite ends of the city.  They all involve some sort of cash outlay, usually only $5 to $10, but when you mulitply that times five events times three children, it ends up being more than the mortgage on my house.  How can I blog when I am facing financial devastation and clogged arteries?

5.  My house has been declared a federal disaster area by the Red Cross.  The carpet in the family room is dotted with wet spots where the puppy has peed and we blasted with Spot Shot.  There is laundry everywhere.  Abby is having eight little girls over to spend the night tomorrow.  The party favors will consist of a Swiffer, a can of Pledge and a toilet bowl brush.  I'm going to divide them up into teams and set them loose.  Whichever team gets its section the cleanest gets to keep the cleaning supplies and come back again in two weeks. 

So this explains why my blog has been so quiet lately and why my topics have been so scatological in nature.  And if you question me again, I'll stab you to death with a spork....right after I rape you!!!!