Make Love Not War
I can't believe I am scooping Birmingham Blues on an important political news story. I am beside myself with joy!! It has been a long and busy day for me and I only just read the paper. This morning I had an important breakfast meeting at the Chick Fil-A (the one with the playground) to help implement new girl scout strategies, like whether we all needed matching shirts or not. Then it was off to Mountain Brook for my birthday pedicure/manicure, courtesy of my sweet friend Karen. My toes feel so refined right now for having been touched by a Mountain Brook pedicurist.
Anyway, after I dropped Karen off, I headed home to eat lunch and read the paper. To my delight, Leonard Pitts, my favorite columnist, focused on my home state in his column. I love to see Alabama mentioned on a national level. We always get such good press, and today was no exception. Leonard's column is about the continuing fight to legalize the sale of sex toys in Alabama....I would hyperlink it, but after almost two hours, I still can't make it work!! Go to www.miamiherald.com and type in his name. You'll find it.
Yes, I'm afraid it's true that here in Alabama, you can go to any Wal-Mart and buy a gun, but you are not allowed to purchase a vibrator. Not even a dildo. Not even nipple rings. Where is the justice in this? So it's ok to buy a rifle and blow Bambi away but you can't buy a life-like representation of the male anatomy to, um, pleasure yourself? I find this thinking to be extremely backward. If people were experiencing more orgasms, they wouldn't have time to shoot each other. If we were to take the guns out of the hands of Al-Quaida and replace them with something more, er, stimulating, the war would be over in five minutes.
I don't get what's wrong with this state. The blue laws are bad enough. God forbid we should drink a beer on Sunday. That's a one way ticket to hell right there. Can't play a high school football game on Sunday because it's the Lord's day. The conservative values of the moral majority are imposed upon us everywhere. Now they're taking away our dildoes? Are we going to stand for this?? Why is it ok to buy a gun and not a vibrator? In the great scheme of things, which one is likely to cause more damage? Ok, granted, if your vibrator shorts out while you're using it, the resulting burn damage could be most unpleasant, but still, that's a worst case scenario. Dildoes don't kill people; guns kill people. And I am having 250,000 bumper stickers printed up as we speak.
While I do not claim to be an expert on all things biblical, I am reasonably certain none of the commandments Moses toted down from the mountain addressed masturbation. I don't recall "thou shalt not pleasure thyself with mechanical objects" in any of my Sunday school classes. So what in the world is so bad about it? And this is America for crying out loud!! I am pretty sure I have the right to masturbate if I want to! Not that I own a vibrator, and I know I am incapable of buying one, let alone operating it, but still, if I want one, I should be able to get one. It's the American way.
Orgasms make people feel happy and good. They reduce tension and promote harmony. They are good. In fact, while researching for this blog ( you would be amazed at the amount of research I conduct to get this thing done) I stumbled across justification for my theory...www.globalorgasm.org. It seems there is a worldwide movement to send a surge of positive human energy out into the atmosphere by getting everyone to orgasm at the same time. Hey, count me in; I'll play that game!
So the next time you do your gun shopping at your local Wal-Mart, don't count on picking up a nifty little strap-on at the same time. Because it's immoral to orgasm. God only wants us to shoot things.
Oh and I believe there's something in the bible about not spilling one's seed. Which in my view means MEN aren't allowed to masturbate but we women are in the clear since there is no way we are going to shoot out an egg or two just by trying out the latest radio controlled clit tickler panty. ;) (Comment this)
You have once again proven why women are superior to men in all ways!!! (Comment this)
IIRC, the ban was tacked on to the end of another bill that addressed topless dancing, or something like that. Most of the legislators who approved the bill didn't know the ban was in it. So, essentially, the state banned sex toys by accident, but by God we're not about to back down now. Our legislators are probably afraid to repeal the ban for fear the religious right will accuse them of being "soft on sex". (Comment this)
Actually, the state has held off on enforcing the law as the case winds through the appeals process. The owner of adult stores in Alabama, Sherri Williams, asked the United States Supreme Court on May 14 to throw out the state ban on selling sex toys, calling it an unconstitutional intrusion into the bedroom.
If the court declines to take the case — as it did in 2005 — Alabama residents shopping for sexual novelties could soon have to look outside the state’s borders.
“A person should have the right to make their own decision to explore their sexual boundaries outside what some government official says is moral,” Sherri Williams said outside the Supreme Court before filing the appeal.
Sherri is a rather attractive gal (her pic is on the linked article), by the way. I believe her store is in Huntsville in case anyone wants to go shopping. If you're in the market for a an economic dildo I grow them and give many of them away every year....burpless cucumbers about a foot long. You've heard of having your cake and eating it too, haven't you?
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