My Quest for Immortality
Josh had a soccer game today. It was a perfect morning for being outside; breezy, sunny, but just warm enough to make sitting through an hour of excructiating bad soccer playing bearable.
At halftime, I had to run to the little soccer mom's room because of the large quantity of diet coke I consumed to make me intelligible at that hour of the morning. As I strolled toward the bathrooms, a plaque caught my eye. Seems the entire soccer field had been donated by a prominent Birmingham family. As I crossed the bridge, I noticed another plaque advising me of the name of another Birmingham family whose donation made the bridge possible.
This started me thinking about my own immortality. 100 years after those families are scattered and gone, the plaques will live on, commemorating their donations. What, I wondered, will represent me when I am gone? I pondered this as I headed to the bathroom.
Well, obviously we are not a wealthy family. We are managing without food stamps, but we don't have large chunks of cash to donate to civic causes, so that makes our plaque options somewhat limited. I have accepted there will never be a park or a college building named after me. So I am afraid you readers are going to have to chip in after the funeral to make a memorial possible. I looked around the park for cheap ideas. Here are a few of my thoughts. I am sure that you, my loyal readers, will scrape together the cash to immortalize me in one of these ways:
1. The Jennifer Brunner Memorial Landscape Timber. What landscaping scheme is complete without the landscape timber? And if you wait until November, they'll be 1/2 off. Just please make sure to get the treated kind that does not have arsenic as part of its makeup. I would hate for my legacy to be acid rain.
2. The Jennifer Brunner Memorial Sanitary Napkin Disposal Container. Let's face it, there's one in every ladies room. I think it's a shame these have been overlooked as possible memorial opportunities. What a mark of respect; instead of flushing, drop it in a lovely container and avoid stopping up the toilet, all in the name of me. A small but tasteful strip of bronze, engraved with my name, can be affixed to the lid of the receptacle. "This Kotex Container Was Made Possible By A Grant From the Friends of Jennifer". I like it.
3. This Porta Potty Made Possible By the Friends and Family of Jennifer Brunner. I think in the end, nothing would summarize me better than a porta potty. My mind is usually in the gutter and I am full of crap as everyone knows. So go ahead and remember me with a Porta Potty. But make sure the hand sanitizer is plentiful please.
4. The Jennifer Brunner Memorial Trash Can. Again, a feature of every park. A nice galvanized steel trash can screams "I love you and I miss you every day". I think you can get a really big one at Wal-Mart of $13.88. Instead of a plaque, give the children Sharpies and let them write their last words of regret and respect: HO, you sho wuz phat fo shure". It brings a tear to my eye just thinking of it.
5. The Jennifer Brunner Memorial Dog Poo Station. Well, there's one at the park where Abby practices. It's supposed to dispense little plastic bags to use for clean up after your dog, but it never has any bags. I expect you, my faithful, to keep it stocked for as long as one of you is still able.
6. The Jennifer Brunner Memorial Bathroom Tile. You know how places like Disney World let you place your name on a brick to raise money? Well, the bathroom tile is a less expensive option. Especially if you go with the teensy octagonal tiles. Mind you, someone would have to etch the letters in really small and a magnifying glass would be required, but still, it's the thought that counts.
There are countless, inexpensive opportunities for immortalizing me. Y'all just have to be creative. I am counting on you to keep my name out there for centuries to come. Even if it is just a strip of bronze tacked to the bottom of the utility pole in the back corner of the farthest field that floods so no one ever plays there because the snakes get really bad when the water rises.
