dailydiatribes

Thank you for the many kind comments and suggestions.  However, I did not want suggestions.  The Constitution guarantees me the right to bitch and moan that I am not a size 2 with the metabolism of a cheetah.  I do not want to eat right.  I do not want to exercise.  I want to eat bacon cheeseburgers on Kaiser rolls with double fries every day and never gain an ounce.

Kiki offered a wonderful suggestion, advising me to step up my workout.  Kiki worked very hard to lose her weight and she looks wonderful (skinny ass bitch) so I decided to give it a try.  Yesterday I hit the treadmill with a zeal that had heretofore been missing in my workout.  I ramped it up and walked over two miles.  I was in the zone.  I was powerful.  I strained something in my right leg and I hurt my back and now I'm limping.  Still fat and now limping.  Thanks Kiki.

I believe Kathy inadvertently offered the best suggestion when she remarked we should sit on Renee (skinny ass bitch).  Lifetime has been advertising a movie called "The Staircase Murders" about some dude who threw his women down the stairs.  Well, I offer for your consideration "The Big Butt Murders" whereby a woman systematically eliminates her skinny ass friends by suffocating them with her GI-normous ass. 

Here's how it works.  I breeze into the home of, say, Nancy M. (skinny ass bitch) and we sit and chat for a few moments, she never questioning why I am wearing gloves in July.  Then I ask for a drink, or possibly a Hostess Twinkie.  When Nancy gets up to get it, I leap up and knock her to the ground with my giant butt.  Then I sit on her and squash her to death with my ample posterior. 

Think about the brilliance of this plan.  What kind of forensics can they do?  No fibers to be removed from the victim, because I have cleverly worn spandex.  No fingerprints at the scene, only butt prints, and the FBI does not keep a record of those.  No marks on the victim at all, nothing but a look of surprise on her face.  After the victim has been exterminated, I casually eat a twinkie and drop the wrapper by her body.  I will be known as the Twinkie Strangler.  Although I hate Twinkies.  I am much more partial to Ho Ho's but the Ho Ho Strangler doesn't roll off the tongue the same way.

I really think I'm on to something here.  Fat people of the world, unite under my leadership, and together we shall squash the skinny ones into submission.  We shall use our thunderous thighs to silence forever the gloating of the skinny ass bitches.  No more shall the racks at Wal-Mart be filled with size 6 clothing; under our rule, the halter tops will be replaced with mumu's of the finest quality George has to offer. 

Whew, sorry, lost it a bit there.  Anyway, this week I'm eating carbs again.  My body is constructed in such a way that it must have pasta or it doesn't work properly.  I'm kind of like a car in that I need premium unleaded pasta or you hear dings in my engine.  I'm going to attempt to walk on the treadmill now, if I can stand the pain because it is the only thing that allows me to eat pasta.

Skinny ass bitches, lock your doors; you never know when your time is up....muahahahahahaha!!!!!!!