dailydiatribes

Recently, there was some chatter (not from squirrels) about some of the worst songs ever recorded.  So I am presenting you with my list, entirely subjective of course, of the ten worst.  Feel free to add your own!

10.     "Honey" by Bobby Goldsboro, stands out as a particularly noteworthy happy, sappy, Splenda enhanced piece of crap.  "And Honey, I miss you...." blah, blah, blah.  What about when she wrecks the car?  I'm telling you right now if I wreck the car, I will be heading to the FBI to give testimony against Tim in exchange for a spot in their witness protection program.  "Yes, yes, he really does sell the dog corpses to Chinese restaurants for chop suey" because Tim would NOT laugh if I wrecked the car.  Consider these classic lyrics: "One day while I was not at home while she was there and all alone The angels came Now all I have is memories of Honey and I wake up nights and call her name... "  I like to imagine one day while he was gone a serial killer came in and methodically sliced Honey up into tiny pieces and stowed her in the freezer for later consumption.  I love a good cannibal song.

9.     "Wildfire" by Michael Martin Murphey was suggested by a reader, but I happen to agree wholeheartedly that it is a dreadful song.  First of all, who exactly is "she"?  The song never says who "she" is and how the singer knows her.  But we do learn, rather quickly that "  Oh, they say she died one winter When there came a killing frost
And the pony she named Wildfire Busted down his stall In a blizzard he was lost

Well, how exactly did she die?  What, was she riding around on Wildfire butt nekkid in the snow?  My guess is this song was penned by a hippy after a bad acid trip:  Whoa dude, and then there was like this ghost chick and whoa...she was like ridin' a dead horse man....freakin' awesome!"  And if you ever have the misfortune to hear an owl outside of your window, "There's been a hoot owl howlin' by my window now For six nights in a row She's coming for me I know
And on Wildfire we're both gonna go...", well, just be prepared to meet your maker.  At least, that's my interpretation of a freaky dead chick on a freaky dead horse showing up to take you away one night.

8.     "Fernando" by Abba, a song that I didn't even know was sung by Abba.  Still, it's one of those songs that gets stuck in your brain and hangs out there annoyingly, pecking away at your grey matter.  Who is Fernando?  What drums?  Here is sample for your consideration:  There was something in the air that night The stars were bright, Fernando
They were shining there for you and me For liberty, FernandoThere was something in the air that night Though I never thought that we could lose There's no regret If I had to do the same again I would, my friend, Fernando

Now to me, this song sounds like it is talking about the Mexican revolution; but isn't Abba a Swedish group?  So why do they care about Fernando and whether or not he goes off to war?  Isn't Sweden neutral?

7.    "She's Like the Wind" recorded by Patrick Swayze for that movie with Jennifer Grey where they bump and grind a lot....oh yeah, "Dirty Dancing".  The most frightening thing is this song has just been RE-RECORDED!!!  It's now some sort of R&B rap type song.  But who didn't swoon when Swayze crooned "she's like the wind, through my tree...."  I think my kindergartener could have penned a better lyric.  And what, pray tell, does he exactly mean by "tree"???  "She leads me through moonlight/only to burn me with the sun...." I mean this is a deep, deep song.  So deep.  So lyrical.  So bad.

6.     "Swinging" by John Anderson is one I vaguely remember from my youth as a twangy, slangy annoying tune.  How about these lyrics:   Yeah, and we'll be swingin, yes, we'll be swinging. Little Charlotte she's as pretty as the angels when they sang, I can't believe I'm out here on the front porch in the swang, just-a-swangin.  I have nothing to add; the song stands alone in its badness.  Someone is still probably collecting royalties on it though.        

5.     "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt is just so deliciously awful I can hardly stand it.  I believe it may have been inspired by the same acid trip that inspired "Wildfire".  The gist of the song is a stoned dude sees a girl at a train station, makes eye contact and begins stalking her, although he is most philosophical about his chances with her.  I love this line because it proves my case that he's a psychotic stoner:     Yeah, she caught my eye, As we walked on by. She could see from my face that I was,
F***ing high...you're beautiful, it's true...."  Gawd, what tripe!!  And we all know what I mean when I say tripe!  At the end, he realizes what a stoner he is and that his lady love will never have him..."There must be an angel with a smile on her face, When she thought up that I should be with you. But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you...." because I have a restraining order against you and if you come within 20 yards of me, I'll have you thrown in jail....la la....

4.     "Sussudio" by Phil Collins just doesn't make sense to me.  Is Sussudio a person?  A place?  A thing?  A venereal disease?  Toe fungus?  The song gives you no clue. "Theres this girl thats been on my mind All the time, sussudio oh oh Now she dont even know my name But I think she likes me just the same Sussudio oh oh...";it's hard to infer from this stanza whether Sussudio is the girl's name or an expression of ecstasy Phil uses when he is manipulating himself; I'll let you be the judge.

3.     "Last Kiss" which was first recorded by Wayne Cochran and the CC Riders, whatever those are.  Then it was re-recorded by Pearl Jam, as if one cover wasn't bad enough.  I think this is a companion song to "Honey" because this is obviously what Honey's spouse/lover/companion/master would have wanted to do had he found Honey dying on the side of the road after being smacked by an SUV.  "Where, oh where, can my baby be? the lord took her away from Me. shes gone to heaven, so Ive got to be good. so I can see my baby when i Leave this world."....gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, I can hardly stand it!  She was probably a squirrel loving hussy and she probably went down instead of up!  The song gets worse, if you can believe it:  When I woke up the rain was pourin down. there were people standin all around.
Something warm flowing through my eyes. but somehow I found my baby that night.
I lifted her head, she looked at me and said. hold me darling, just a little
While. I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss. I found the love that i
Knew I had missed. Blech; she was probably all covered with blood, probably had a couple of severed limbs, was maybe missing a chunk of nose, so he decides this is a good time to MAKE OUT????  That's probably what got them into trouble in the first place.  They were probably out at Inspiration Point doing the dirty and were trying to make it home before their curfew.  Serves the little bastards right if you ask me.  And you see what happened to Kurt Cobain after he recorded the song?  Bad Karma.

2.    "Apples Peaches Pumpkin Pie" by Jay and the Techniques, but written by a five year old prodigy.  It's just a really incredibly very stupid song that you might actually find yourself singing because it's so annoying catchy.  " Apples peaches pumpkin pie Who's afraid to holler I? That's a game we used to play. Hide and seek was its name"  How this one got air time I'll never know.  It is a precursor of sorts to the James Blunt psycho stalker song, because the lyrics continue: Well, I'll sneak up behind you, Be careful where I find you.  Yep, time to get that restraining order out again.

1.  Drumroll please, but I'm sure you all know what it is.......the winner of this year's Worst Song Ever Competition is......MacArthur Park!!!!  Because dammit, someone left that damn cake out in the rain, AGAIN, and I will never have that recipe again...oh no!!!!!!!!!!  I am listening to some sort of weird instrumental version of it right now, just to remind myself of how bad it is.  I will give you the first stanza and you can hum along with the refrain: Spring was never waiting for us, girl It ran one step ahead As we followed in the dance
Between the parted pages and were pressed  In love's hot, fevered iron  Like a striped pair of pants...."  Yep, in love's hot fevered iron, that's what the man said.  And let's face it, thanks to the Republican party's refusal to acknowledge global warming, McArthur Park is melting, all the sweet green icing is running down and I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!  THANKS A LOT GEORGE W. BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!  LET 'EM EAT CAKE, YOU SAID, BUT NOW THE CAKE IS RUINED AND WE ARE LEFT WITH NOTHING!!!!!!!!

Whew, sorry about that.  Anyway, that's my list!!  I'm sure I have left several hundred songs off (yes Bill, every song ever recorded by Barry Mannilow, but I think Copacabana is HOT!!!  Satan and I are going to sing karaoke in Hell every night and that will be our opener!!!!) so feel free to add your favorites!!!