dailydiatribes

I went to my first ever writer's conference today, and rubbed shoulders (elbows, knees, ankles???) with real live, honest to goodness writers!!  Overall it was a good experience, and I have to thank my friend Carmen for providing me with the information about it. 

I hit the road at 8:00 this morning, hoping to beat the worst of the morning traffic, which I did.  I got to Birmingham Southern at about 8:30, registered and then joined Kathy for refreshments.  We whiled away the time with her pointing out various people she knew (the girl is connected!!!) and trying to remember which sessions for which we had registered.

At 9:00, we went to the convocation which was given by a playwright.  She was incredible, and I sank lower and lower into my seat, feeling as if I did not belong in the same room with her.  She was talking about using her writing to address social issues and make people face hard truths; my writing makes people face bodily functions.  I am not quite in the same league!  Fortunately, my self esteem is pretty high and I was able to bounce back and take notes and be inspired.

From there we went to the first session which was led by a guy who just had his first novel published.  I didn't learn a whole lot about writing, but I learned that armadillo leaves a bad aftertaste that will linger with you for days.  However, chewing pine bark can eliminate "armadillo breath"....Trident people, take notice, there's your next campaign slogan! 

Then it was time to break for lunch.  I ate a large piece of lasagna, only to realize later that it was Friday and I violated the whole meatless Friday rule of Lent.  At least it wasn't a conscious violation!  Kathy and I snagged a table in the back so we could spy on the other participants; well, ok, I wanted to spy on the other participants.  Also, it was the only table with chocolate cheesecake that hadn't been claimed yet.  There were only two other people at the table with us and all sorts of unclaimed cheesecake.  I had to exercise many miracles of self control not to go nuts and start devouring every slice on the table.  I can see the headlines:  Woman at Writer's Conference Eats 24 pieces of Cheesecake, Vomits on Keynote Speaker.

And speaking of the keynote speaker, what a pompous ass!!!  Kathy and I have voted him the most hateable man of the decade.  His name was Richard Schickel and he writes for Time magazine.  He was pretty entertaining until he got to the part where he denounced blogs as a waste of time because there is no potential for payment.  Whoa, stop right there!  I don't disagree with him that I should try and get paid for my writing; I spend an awful lot of time crafting my blog entries and it would be lovely to be compensated with more than just adoration and respect from my friends.  But blogging is rapidly becoming a very effective tool for reaching a large audience.  The lady we sat with at lunch was at the conference because she is going to be launching a blog for the Alabama Shakespeare Festival.  So take THAT Dickshickel!!!

The session I went to after lunch was ok; it was all about writing a query letter to a publisher to see if the publisher would like to take a look at your manuscript.  Ok, except I don't have a manuscript.  So it was not much use.  The final session was blogging to book contract; unfortunately, it was aimed more at people wanting to start a blog, which I already have.  She did, however, provide the excellent advice of purchasing the domain name of your blog, which I am now going to do.  I think.  If I can figure out how to do it!

That wrapped up the day and I jumped in the car to head home.  Only I missed the turn to get on the interstate, so I had to go up to a gas station and turn around.  Only what I thought was the turn into the gas station was actually just a patch of gravel and I went off-roading across it.  I pulled into the gas station and there was a large bucket truck blocking the entrance, so I had to cut through the pumps, which caused the scary people inside to glare at me.  Someone was kind enough to let me merge into traffic, so I shot forward, only to realize I was not at the driveway to the station, but on some sort of concrete lip so my entire truck bounced down with a thud onto the street.  I'm not sure there's a transmission left under there.

I managed to get on the interstate going the right way, only to nearly squash a VW beetle as I tried to merge in on top of him.  Oh well, I hate bugs in any form!!  Once I got safely onto 65 South, I called home to see what Tim was doing.  It was approximately 3:38 CST when I called.  He answered the phone in a very gruff voice and I could hear shouting in the background.

"What," he barked.

"Hey, I was just calling to let you know I'm on my way home.  What's for dinner?"

"Whatever you fix!" he snapped.

"Well, you've been home all day," I retorted, slightly offended that he had not asked about my day.

"Yeah, well I've been dealing with these children," he sneered.

Now the bus doesn't get there until 3:30, sometimes 3:35, so by my estimation, he had been dealing with those children for approximately seven minutes.  When I pointed that out to him he said "Well, they've been fighting since they got off the bus!!"

Wow, welcome to my world big shot!!  Don't think that won't get thrown into his face the next time he comes through the door after work and stares at me in disbelief when he realizes no gourmet fare has been placed on the table covered with white linen and set with the fine china and crystal! 

Well, I got home and we went out to eat and God's in his heaven and all's right with the world!!  Now I have to clean my house so I can host 40 people for a barbecue tonight!  The fun never ends here!!  *chants I WILL LEARN TO SAY NO repeatedly*