dailydiatribes

I have been in my pajamas all day.  As I write this, it is 5:30 pm and I am still not dressed.  I have not brushed my teeth or my hair.  I have not changed my socks or my underwear.  The dogs are now avoiding me, their muzzles wrinkling when they walk past me.  I don't care because I have been comfy all day!!  I didn't have to go anywhere or do anything or see anybody, so why get dressed? 

I have whiled away the day in my bedroom, but not in bed.  No, today was the day I confronted the scope of the disaster that is the master suite.  No hurricane in recorded history could have left more debris in its wake than Tim and I.  I never nag at my kids to clean their rooms, because I would be a.........I cannot think of the word!!  What is the word???  Is this the early onset of Alzheimer's?  I need an intervention!!!!!  It would be wrong for me to tell them to clean their rooms since I don't keep mine clean, so what's that word that means it would be wrong???  Wait, let me make a phone call....THANK YOU LAYTON BAUER....I WOULD BE A HYPOCRITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I decided it was time to deal with the dust sculptures and the mounds of bank statements in the corner and the piles of clothes that never seem to get put away.  My bedroom is always the last room in the house to get cleaned.  Whenever someone comes over, I lock the dogs in there so I have a legitimate excuse to close the door.  Even though my dogs are harmless, together they sound like a trio of slavering pit bulls, ready to tear out an innocent throat at a moment's notice!  So they are a good deterrent to the thrill seekers looking to investigate the contents of my medicine cabinet. 

I started my cleaning binge by going through the cheap, yet classy, plastic rubbermaid three drawer unit where I keep lots of important papers, like the owner's manual for the washing machine we got rid of ten years ago and tax returns from the 1980's.  Mostly, I needed to clear the dust off the top.  My house seems to be significantly dustier than everyone else's house and I don't know why.  The dust fairies seem to give our house extra attention, making sure to sprinkle it good and thick.  So I started to clean, grimly determined to clear a path by evening, so I can make it back and forth to the bathroom at night without risking life and limb.

Cleaning like that is cathartic, and pretty soon I was throwing things into a garbage bag with reckless abandon.  Goodbye newsletter from Abby's third grade teacher; I need you no more!  Farewell bank statements from 1996 and goodbye receipts from Christmas gifts purchased two years ago.  I felt like Marley, casting off the chains binding me to this earthly life. 

But pretty soon I had a pile of those things that you can't throw away but cannot be easily categorized either.  In my house, this is usually Legos, cords (extension and otherwise), screwdrivers, and various plastic pieces I am sure belong to something, although I am not quite sure what.  I hate it when you find a piece of rectangular plastic and you know it's important but you can't remember why and after you finally throw it away, you realize it was the key component to some expensive electronic thingy that no longer works because you threw away the most important piece.  So you hoard it forever, positive if you hang on to it long enough, you can stage a loving reunion between electronic thingy and its long lost important piece.  

So I made a pile out of that stuff and I started bulldozing it toward my bedroom door, operating under the premise that as I continued to move it through the room, more and more stuff would get put away.  Not necessarily sound science, but you also have to move all the crap out of the way so you can vacuum.  I vacuumed under the bed and behind my bedside table and even behind my fabulous file cabinet.  I was on fire!

As the day wore on, my garbage bag got fuller and the dust swirling around in the room lessened somewhat.  I even put my clothes in the drawers!  I have a tendency to pile the clothing on the floor next to my dresser because I hate trying to cram clothes in drawers.  Besides, if they're all right there in a pile it's easier to get dressed in the morning.  I am telling you, I would have no problem living in a frat house; I like the way those guys operate!  

I also decided to tackle the three laundry baskets of the apocalypse that are always lurking around in my bedroom, filled with clothing to be folded.  WE NEED A BIGGER LAUNDRY ROOM!!  I turned on the TV so I would have something to do while I was folding and I caught "Titanic" at the very beginning!!  

I realize this is going to cause me to lose some serious face, but I LOVE that movie!  I love a good, sappy love story, even if Leo does turn into a human popsicle at the end.  There are a couple of scenes I could do without, though.  I hate the spitting scene.  It's so disgusting listening to Jack instruct Rose on the proper techniques for hocking (hawking, harking????) a loogie.  I hate mucous, as you all know, and that little scene does not further the story line in my opinion.  "Oh Jack, you're so romantic...spit some snot again darling!!"

And then there's the sex scene in the ship's hold.  You know, they're in the car, doing the dirty, but all you see is the steamed up window and the handprint.  Well, I want to know who in the world sweats that much???  I'm sure the sex was good and all, but honestly, I doubt they worked that hard at it!  Leo's character is pretty young, so I have a hard time belieiving he was up for a prolonged session, if you know what I mean!  But when they show them after the fact, they are both drenched with sweat and heaving like they've just run the Boston Marathon.  I find that scene to be a bit excessive, but then again, maybe Jack and Rose both had undiagnosed glandular disorders and it was relevant to the story line. 

At this writing, the Titanic has sunk, Rose has tossed the necklace (daffy old broad!)my kids are in bed and my bedroom is almost clean.  All in all, it was a nice Sunday.  Now I guess I have to go put on some clean pajamas so I can go to bed!