dailydiatribes

I just spent the morning at Josh and Abby's school at the awards assembly.  I was so excited and proud for both of my kids because I knew they were both getting honor roll awards.  Josh went on to win two subject awards and Abby won one.  When I realized his total was higher, my heart fell.  Let the jihad begin!!  Those two are so competitive they worry about who got to use more toilet paper! I did point out to her that she got "A" honor roll and he only got "A-B", so maybe that will keep things civil.

I am very proud of Abby and we actually embraced, which was amazing considering I beat the hell out of her yesterday.  I use the term "beat the hell" loosely, because I am not convinced I was actually able to get the hell out of her.  I am considering sending her to one of those boot camps where they have to get up at 5:00 a.m. and make their own beds and grind their own wheat and learn how to appreciate their mothers.  Abby is a wonderful child, really she is, as long as she is getting her way.  According to her, we should all be grateful she has lowered her standards and is living with us.

Yesterday she was fine all afternoon, because she was playing outside with Anna and her little friends.  But as soon as she came in, the attitude began.  I was cooking pork chops for dinner.  Both she and Josh, being the brain surgeons they are, thought I was making grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner.  I can see how someone could get the odors of pork and grilled cheese confused because they are so remarkably similar in molecular make up. 

When she found out the delicious odor was not grilled cheese, but was in fact pork chops, she went a little nutty.  "That is so gross," she trilled.  "Why do you always have to cook gross things that are unedible."  This is a direct quote; I committed it to memory.

I looked at her Junishly and asked a stupid question.  "Well, what do you think I should cook Abby?"

"Grilled cheese!!!" was the reply, "or anything that doesn't have stupid meat in it."  Abby desires to be a vegetarian, but I will not allow it because for her, it just means eating a bunch of carbohydrates and nothing else.  She won't drink milk, she hates mac and cheese, and when she recently discovered yogurt is made up of live cultures, she nixed that too.  Now I am not denying the appeal of the all carb diet; I personally would love to try and live my whole life eating nothing but bread and pasta, but it doesn't work if you are not committed to finding alternative proteins, which Abby is not.

Well, the conversation went downhill from there, and finally I sent her to her room to do her homework so I could finish cooking the gross meat in peace.  Well, she came back downstairs and said something ugly to me and then something to Anna and I finally snapped and hollered "get back up to your room right now and don't come back down until I call you."

Have I ever mentioned Abby has no sense of self preservation whatsoever?  She looked at me and sneered at me in a most unspeakable fashion and waved her hands in a very insulting way.  Well, my eyes rolled back in my head and I started toward her, rage clouding my very being.  I think she realized she had gone a bit too far, because she started the backward skip toward the stairs, hoping to get away.  You see, I had morphed into Psycho Mom right before her eyes and she realized she was in grave danger.

I stalked up the stairs behind her, breathing heavily, fists clenched and shouting "come out and take your medicine..." well, ok, not really, but it sounds good.  I did, however, yell "don't you DARE run away from me, it will only be worse if you do."  I hate it when they run and you have to chase them, because the more you chase them, the more homicidal you become.  

You know how all the new parenting books say don't spank your children in anger?  Well, I thrive on spanking mine when I'm mad.  It's very therapeutic for me.  Why would I want to hit them when I'm not mad at them?  Isn't that actually abuse when you hit them for fun?  

Well, I got her on the bed and whacked her on the butt a few times and then she LAUGHED AT ME!!!.  I actually can't spank very hard because I have carpal tunnel syndrome.  There's a good reason to go and GET IT FIXED!!!  So then I popped her across the top of the head and that got her attention.  I told her to stay in her room, she was grounded from TV forever and a few other threats I don't even remember, like maybe deportation and something else.

Now here's the weird, sick part; after I whacked her, she came down for dinner fifteen minutes later, cleared her plate, and was a delight for the rest of the evening.  She chattered all the way to basketball practice, she didn't complain about being there, and when we got home, she went straight to bed with no arguing.  It's like she wants to see how far she can push me and as soon as she pushes me over the edge, she's happy again.  So in the end, even though I get to hit her, she wins because she made me hit her!  

By now, I am sure many of you are reaching for the phone book, ready to dial DHR and turn me in for child abuse.  But I think if more children these days were given a good pop upside the head once in awhile, the world would be a better place!!