dailydiatribes

I thought I would fill in the remaining blanks of Christmas, so you can get the full experience.  We attended the 4:00 church service, otherwise known as the Black Mass, otherwise known as the Children's Mass, on Sunday.  We went to his debacle so Josh could provide musical accompaniment on his trumpet.  We argued all the way there, like the loving family we are.  Tim was screaming at Abby, Anna was screaming at everyone and I was screaming silently in my head, wondering why I didn't have my tubes tied at birth!

At church, we settled into a pew.  The demon goddess immediately flew into a frenzy because she had to sit next to Abby.  As soon as Abby realized Anna did not want to sit by her, she became rooted in place and no amount of persuasion or death threats could persuade her to move.  In between mewling about how she didn't want to sit by Abby, Anna keened because I had not packed a bag of 387 different activities for her to do.

It finally got so bad, I yanked her up, dragged her out of the church and into the cry room.  She became so defiant and my blood pressure went up so high, I finally pulled her into the bathroom and spanked her, something I seldom do and something I really need to do daily.  We went back out into the cry room, where she started the "I'm hungry, I'm really really hungry, I'm so hungry" chant that never fails to drive me crazy.

Abby came and stuck her head in and I told her to go away, I was dealing with Anna.  Five minutes later, Tim came in and started acting like a complete jerk because he did not want to be at that particular mass.  He was so bad, I ended up crying.  So there I was, on Christmas eve, crying in the cry room, Anna whining on my lap, Abby out in the church by herself, and thinking it all sounds a lot like a bad country song.

Well, fortunately, Anna fell asleep.  Unfortunately, she weighs 57 pounds, and within ten minutes, I had lost all feeling in my but*tocks (in the style of Forrest Gump).  I then worried for the rest of the service that I was going to have to have a cheek surgically removed because of lack of circulation. It was excruciating, but given a choice of a whiney child or less buttock, I was more than happy to sacrifice a cheek!! 

I think it is a sin, though, to sit through a church service and contemplate dismembering your husband.  Especially on Christmas eve.  I really wanted to dismember him alive, cutting off each limb one by one, while he writhed in agony.  Yes, it really was a bad night!! 

We got home, put the kids to bed wrapped the presents, blah blah blah.  Got my wonderful gift Christmas morning, called and canceled the appointment with the divorce lawyer, and put my chainsaw back in the garage.  I made the rather colossal mistake of giving Josh a Nerf Dart Tag set, reasoning he still needed to receive the occasional toy for Christmas.  I realized this was a mistake when he ambushed me and shot me in the cheek with a dart.  He shot Tim 30 minutes later.  The dart tag is now residing in my bedroom with little hope of being reconciled with its owner.

But the highlight of the day had to be when my father called me on my cell phone as I was heading to Movie Gallery to return some movies.  He called in a panic because when they returned to their hotel, my stepmother went out to walk the dog, stepped off the sidewalk, fell in a ditch and broke her leg.  He was trying to find the hospital and he was lost and he wanted me to take him to the hospital.

Now by this point in the day, I was completely exhausted, coughing my lungs up and ready to crawl into bed and die.  Luckily I managed to talk him into finding the hospital on his own so I didn't have to go hang out in the ER for hours.  I feel sure had I gone, they would have ended up admitting me to the psych ward because I would have lost my mind!!

Today he called me at 8:00 in the morning, raising me from a Nyquil induced haze because he needed me to come and help him get Sheila (my stepmom) into the car so they could drive home and get her broken leg set.  I did not have time to take a shower or brush my teeth; I had to get up, shake off the Nyquil and go.  I arrive in time to help her stand up and use her walker to shuffle out to the car.  I felt really badly for her; she broke her left leg and sprained her right ankle and that pretty well sucks for anyone, but especially on Christmas day!!  I got her in the car and watched them drive away and then I passed out on the sidewalk, overcome by my tuberculosis.

Ok, no, I really didn't pass out, but it would have been the perfect ending to our perfect, Rockwellian holiday!!  I just wonder how we can top it next year!!