dailydiatribes

I was going to respond to Kathy regarding blonde children, but the more I thought about it, the longer the response got, so I figured I would just continue my diatribe instead.  By the way, diatribe was a crossword puzzle clue last week, so I am educating the masses just with my title.  See how snooty I am???

Like Kathy, I also have two blonde daughters.  I myself am olive skinned, dark haired and dark eyed, owing to a rather significant amount of native American blood.  My mother, may she rest in peace, was red haired, green eyed, and freckled, and was blessed with three papooses.  I am sure many people questioned the heritage of her little darlings as well, although, like most brunettes, I was a blonde child.  Why do more people not know that many brunettes started out as towheads? 

My son is the only one of my three children who resembles me in the coloring department.  Like me, he has brown hair and olive skin, although his eyes are green.  My girls are a completely different story.  Abby, my middle child, looks exactly like my husband's sisters, with high cheekbones and blue-green eyes.  Her hair is a streaky California blonde right now.  My youngest, known in these pages as demon girl/blonde goddess, looks like a regular little Swiss Miss, with flaxen tresses and big, crystal blue eyes.  In short, except for her face, she looks nothing like me superficially and that is, of course, what most people see.

I have lost count of the number of times in a day I receive the odd look, coupled with the inevitable "where does she get the blonde hair from?"  I get some looks when I am out, usually suspicious, as if people are sure I have kidnapped her from the Stepford family.  I always patiently answer that I was a blonde child, blah blah  blah, and this usually satisfies them.  BUT NO MORE!!!  I have devised a new answer, one that will shut the curious up permanently, and possibly cure them from their nosiness for all eternity.

When I get the "blonde" question, I will look them straight in the eye and say...are you ready for this....here in conservative Alabama....I will say:  "When my partner and I went to the sperm bank, we could pick the eye and hair color from a list of genetic traits.  I figured we'd go for the Aryan look in case the Nazi party ever rises again.  I know us lesbians will get carted off, because plaid shirts are a no no with the Nazis, but maybe they'll spare the children."  Or I might say "well, when I kidnapped her from her father, I dyed her hair so she wouldn't resemble the kid on the milk carton.  I don't know why he got full custody anyway; she was asleep when I was turning tricks.  And I only cooked meth in the house the one time."  After either comment, I will add:   "and hey, what about little Johnny there....your boy....are his ears big or what??  He didn't get his daddy's ears I guess....someone lost the genetic lottery there...ha ha!"

I figure if you're going to comment on my child's coloring, I can comment on your child's ugliness, right?  Yeah, I may be a homely brunette with a blonde child, but at least she's cute!!  What's your excuse?  Hair can be dyed, but little Jimmy is stuck with that honker forever...unless you get him some plastic surgery for Christmas!!

There is no end to the rudeness of people, the questions they pose innocently, when their real intent is to see if they can draw blood.  I am pretty thick skinned and I don't take offense, even when it is intended.  But I am going to start answering uncomfortable questions with uncomfortable answers, so rude people of the world beware!!