dailydiatribes

Well, I am completely exhausted, but I made it through another family holiday without burning down the house or killing anyone.  You laugh, but holidays past have found me torching the oven, breaking glass doors and dropping eggs on the dog.  I am a danger to myself and others during the holidays.

There was one notable incident with the Chex Mix last night.  Josh wanted to make homemade Chex Mix and in a fit of Martha Stewartishness, I said "Sure, why not?", a phrase I would live to sorely regret.  Yes I know Chex Mix comes in nice bags found conveniently in the local Wal-Mart, but I have this stubborn notion that I have to cook EVERYTHING from scratch.  This does not always bode well for the family.

Anyway, I was so frantic yesterday, trying to get as much made ahead of time as possible, that the Chex Mix making got away from me.  At 9:00 last night, Josh was whining, as only a 13 year old boy can, about making the damn Chex Mix.  I was trying to figure out how to preserve our family digital pictures on the web before they were all irrevocably damaged or destroyed, and I was distracted.  Finally I told him to get the stuff out and we would make the damn Chex Mix.

Do you remember the holiday commercial about making Chex Mix?  It is family footage from the 1960's I think, and Mom and Dad are hosting a swanky party, which would not be swank without, you guessed it, Chex Mix.  Mom is wearing heels and an apron and is competently mixing together the Chex, while overseeing a dozen other details and never getting her pearls out of order.  When Josh first suggested this project, this was my vision, a vision which sadly would not come to fruition.

Josh gets the cereal out and immediately dumps it all into a bowl with the pretzels.  Never mind following the recipe and MEASURING....no, he just dumps it all together.  I should have quit right there, but oh no, I have to do this right.  I made him separate it all back out and measure it all in the proper quantities.  While I was reading the recipe, I noticed it could be microwaved.  Perfect, think I, then I won't have to stay up for an extra hour tonight.  So we mixed up the butter and spices, mixed it up and popped it in the microwave for five minutes.

When the timer went off and I opened the microwave, I saw smoke, which is never a good thing.  The smoke was rising up from the Chex mix, which was smelling suspiciously carcinocgenic.  I reread the directions and realized that, while five minutes was the correct time, I was supposed to be stopping the microwave and stirring at 2 minute intervals.  Whoops!!!  I served it today anyway, passing it off as Cajun Chex Mix....blackened, you know!!

This morning, I woke up refreshed and ready to tackle turkey day.  I sent the dog out to get the paper so I could peruse tomorrow's early bird specials (which I will not be going out after, thank you very much, but I like to see which stores are likely to have brawls break out in the morning) but the paper was too big for him to carry.  So, in the spirit of thankfulness and goodwill that Thanksgiving promotes, I went down myself to get it.  Kirby decided to take off into the woods as I walked back up to the house.  I called him for a minute, but no response, so I turned around to go inside and tell Tim to call his silly damn dog.

I took two steps and was broadsided by the stupid dog!!!  The paper flew backward and I flew forward and pain exploded in my ankle....the same ankle that twisted at the zoo a few weeks ago.  The dumb dog didn't even slow down, just kept running to the house, leaving me broken and bleeding on the front walk, sale papers raining down around me.  He is still alive, but only because he can run really fast!!!  I went inside and tried to get Tim to put him to sleep, but he wouldn't do it because he didn't have any euthanasia solution.  I suggested a hammer, but Tim likes the dog better than me anyway.  I think he may have given him an extra treat for knocking me down!!

Our Thanksgiving was very special this year.  Tim and I are constantly trying to figure out how to lower property values in the neighborhood.  We do this in a variety of ways, like hosting large, drunken parties and letting our children run around in their underwear.  Today we really reached for the Redneck Gold though.  Tim cooked our turkey in the backyard...in a trashcan!!  Yep, it's true, although I bought the l'il sucker at the Winn Dixie on account of I couldn't find one big enough to run over!!

Seriously, though, he cooked it in a trashcan and it turned out really good.  First he pounded a large stake in the ground and then he placed an onion halfway down the stake.  Then he took the turkey and impaled it on the stake.  Then the steel trashcan (think Oscar the Grouch) went over the top.  He heaped coals all around it and in three hours, we had a perfect turkey.  Plus we gave the neighbors something else to talk about!!

I cooked way too much food, the mashed potatoes were total crap and my mother in law insulted my pumpkin pie.  In short, a typical family Thanksgiving.  Everyone else is in bed now, and I will follow shortly.  I cooked everything and then I cleaned every bit of it up, so I am a wee bit exhausted at the moment.  I hope everyone who reads this (all six of you!!) had a wonderful day and I hope your mashed potatoes were much better than mine!!

I will leave you with a family picture from the day:

Abby and Anna eagerly await the carving of the Thanksgiving Spam!  I spent much money on the flowers at the snooty grocery store and I could only buy one can of Spam for dinner.