dailydiatribes

Well, all I can say is my new company is going to be fully staffed, so that's a blessing.  Thanks to Gina, I even have office space.  Now I just need to get my business cards printed, and I'm ready to go!

This morning saw me participating in a scenario that is likely enacted in millions of homes across the globe every day.  It began, simply enough, with me complaining to my spouse that I need more money.  Instead of being properly sympathetic and offering to take on a second job, he began helpfully telling me how I could curtail my spending habits.

What an ass!!!  Do I need him to tell me I spend too much money eating out?  Hell no, I can read any number of women's magazines for helpful articles on how to manage a family of five on $368.37 per month.  I know how to budget money, I just don't want to.  I want him to give me more money.  I think it's pretty simple myself.

He then made some comment that I interpreted as "you are a parasite".  Well, you can imagine how well I received that comment.  I told him right away that no parasite on this planet would touch his dirty underwear, and yet I wash it on a regular basis, as well as performing other marital duties and obligations on that one day a month when I am headache free (actually, it's more like once a quarter).  I'm not really sure he called me a parasite, but it was an excellent reason to sulk and stomp around and generally let him know how much I despise him.

He continued with the helpful money saving tips, which I will share with you here:

Stop buying the children clothes; they have enough.  According to Tim, they each need a week's worth of underwear and socks, one pair of jeans, and three shirts.  This should be enough to last the entire school year.  One pair of shoes per year is sufficient; we can stretch them out when their toes start curling over on themselves.  Or maybe we can just cut the ends of the shoes off; it's better for their feet to get some ventilation.

Stop all extra curricular activities at once or get a job to pay for them.  Well, I guess I'm gonna have to start hooking to pay for Josh's piano lessons.  I pay monthly for two activities; I have a friend who pays something in the neighborhood of $500 a month just for dance, and her kids are in several other activities as well.  I spend less than $125.00 a month on activities for the kids, so I think I'm actually doing pretty well.  According to Tim, when he was growing up on the farm, he didn't have to pay for activities.  Well, duh, Cow Patty Hockey is free!!!!!  The materials are organic and easily accessible!!! 

Stop eating out so much.  Ok, I'll give him that one.  I guess I could find a new hobby, but this one is so much fun.  I love to eat out; people cook the food for you and serve it to you and then they clear the table and do the dishes.  No one ever does that for me at home.  I cook it, serve it, and wash it.  Tim wants me to bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, perform exotic sexual acts all night and then be ready to go off and do it all again the next day.  Dream on!!!!  He does have an active fantasy life!

Stop taking the children to the doctor so much.  Well, first of all, I have a psycho stalker relationship with Renee, and I frequently pay $25 for her company....wait, that makes her sound like a hooker...no, really I am a hypochondriac, and I pay $25 for her reassurance that the children and I will live to see another day.  According to Tim, we should worm the children once a year and if they get sick, he can treat them with hoof and mouth medication.  He sees no reason for me to consult a human physician when he is perfectly competent to treat the children with antibiotics and steroids, which as I have stated before is the treatment of choice for veterinarians.  Got cancer?  Antibiotics and Steroids.  Broken leg?  Antibiotics and steroids.  If I let Tim treat the kids when they got sick, they'd all weigh 300 pounds from the steroids, but they'd be worm free!!

So we go back to the option of me finding a job.  The problem is no one wants to hire me to work from 9 to 2.  Abby, who loves to pick up the free magazines off the displays at grocery stores, picked one up that was advertising house cleaning jobs.  She was beside herself, because she felt this would be perfect for me.  "Look mom, you can make up to $350 a week, just to clean houses!"  Obviously, in her precious little mind, that is all I am fit to do...become a Merry Maid.  Well, they do look happy on the commercials....

Tim is utterly convinced if I would just sit down and put my mind to it, I could write  a book.  It's really sweet how utterly deluded he is.  Sure Tim, if I start now, I can have my first bestseller in print, oh, say around the 1st of Never!!!!!!!!!  Considering he reads NOTHING AT ALL, he doesn't have a full grasp of how difficult and slippery the written word can be.  And since I will be happy with nothing less than a Harry Potter phenomenon, well, I guess I'll have to look into the house cleaning thing!