dailydiatribes

BTW, I do not hate three people....I meant there were only three people I liked and I didn't want to name them....it was a poorly worded joke.  Of course Gina immediately assumed she was one of the chosen three, simply because she brought daquiris....ok, fine she was right, but still, I might decide to hate her tomorrow! 

Last week, I was bemoaning the fact that I need a job.  It's not that we can't pay the bills; it's just my spending habits seem to outstrip our income every week.  This led me to conclude that a job might be in order.

At breakfast on Friday, I confided this to an acquaintance, who then tried to be helpful.  I hate it when people try to find solutions for you, when all you really want to do is complain.  Complaining is part of the 12 Step Hangnail solution, where you whine and fuss about what is wrong with your life and your companion is merely sympathetic, adding a soothing "that sucks" when appropriate.  Never, under any circumstances, should someone try to solve the problem.  Whining is part of the therapeutic approach and a necessary step toward enlightenment.

Anyway, she asked me what I liked to do.  "I like to sit at home in my pajamas," I told her.  "Oh and eat out, too," which seemed good since we were at Cracker Barrel.  "Well what are you good at?" was her next question.  "I'm good at sitting at home in my pajamas and playing video games," I told her.  Did she seriously think I want to find a job????  I really want someone to compensate me handsomely for sitting around on my butt in front of the computer all day long, sending out letters to the editor and playing Pogo, as well as toppling the occasional Catholic school empire!

Anyway, over lunch that day, with a new set of companions (I told you, I excel at eating out and both meals were free!!!!!!!!!!!!) I recounted the conversation, again with the groan that I needed a job to support my weakness for DVD's and checkout line cookbooks.  By the way, I adore check out line cookbooks, especially the Pillsbury ones.  They always have such cute things you can cook.

This group, comprised of Lisa, Cindy and Lucy, was much more helpful.  I also needed something that I could put on my business cards.  Lisa had won the lunch from Panera Bread by dropping her business card into a bowl and she got lunch for five.  I told them I needed an occupation to list on my cards so I could win free lunches as well.

They immediately decided I should become an event coordinator.  After all, I am good at arranging things and people always have fun at my parties.  Then they took it a step further and decided I should be a "Life Event Coordinator".  Ahhhhh...that sounds more like it! 

What, you may ask, does a Life Event Coordinator do?  Well, so far this year, I have successfully pulled off a major surprise birthday party, as well as the funeral of the century.  Throw in a birth and a wedding, and I will have done it all!  Surely I can sucker some poor woman into hiring me to coordinate her daughter's wedding. 

First, I am going to have to come up with a really catchy advertising hook, something like "From Birth To Death, We Celebrate the First Step and The Last Breath".  Not too bad, and it will look great on the t-shirts staff members can wear on Casual Fridays.

I'll have to rent some office space somewhere, but Lord knows there's plenty of empty commercial space up and down Valleydale Road.  I'll need a suite, with space for my admin assistant, my research assistant, my staff nurse, and my creative team.  Also, a fairly large break room where we can eat our free lunches from our business card racket.  Also, there will have to be a place for my treadmill and a TV so I can watch Golden Girls reruns while I burn off calories from the free lunches.

I am going to need a logo, company letterhead, a new wardrobe...the list goes on and on.  I am going to have to hire a good office manager, because the whole reason I am getting this job is am terrible with money.  Obviously, we will need new computers, and I need a really good mouse so I can keep up with my Pogo Challenges.

Ok, never mind, this job is costing way too much money!!!!!  You see my problem though; I am just not cut out for a typical desk job.  I have tried them before, and I am usually bored within three months and within six months, I am ready to quit.  I need a job that is interesting and pays a lot!

Ok, here are the things I will not consider:  exterminator, because there is no way I am facing down roaches in their territory; sales of any type, because I'm just way too lazy; receptionist, because it's better to give than to receive...ok, ha ha, that was sort of stupid, lost my head there!!; or any type of waste handling, be it human or otherwise.

So what can I do?  I am not employable, because I am basically lazy and spoiled and I want to be paid a lot of money to really do nothing.  Is that so much to ask?  If any of your friends/relatives/neighbors/parole officers have a job opening, please refer me to them.  I promise not to let you down!!