Trapped
I am trapped at Tim's office, performing various acts of servitude, like answering the phones and....ewww...setting up fecal samples. And don't even get me started on the fact that he has DIAL UP INTERNET!! For the love of God, someone help me here!!!
On the plus side, I got to hear my husband use the phrase....."13 pounds of luuuuuuuvvvv" to a client, referring to the clients cat. If this was not a G rated blog, I could really take off with that one, but I believe I'll just let it go. Although, the next time we are getting amorous, I may refer to him as 200 pounds of luuuvvvvvvvvvv....
I have had a flash of inspiration. I am going to abandon the bodice ripper and write a self help book. I am going to call it It's My Hangnail and I'll Cry if I Want To. It is based on the parable of the hangnail, which is really similar to the Sermon on The Mount, only different. The parable of the hangnail is my own philosophic creation and I have used it successfully in my illegal counseling practice many times.
Basically, the parable is as follows: A woman is complaining about her life. Her husband is a jerk, her kids are smart alecks, she doesn't have enough money to support her Target shopping habit, and to top it all off, she has one heck of a hangnail. The she stops in mid complaint and says "but I shouldn't complain, many people are much worse off than me." A wise friend then said "but it's still your hangnail grasshopper." Do you see how simple and beautiful that is? You can look at your friend who has been diagnosed with leptospirotichemmorrhagic diarrhea and has been given three hours to live and say "wow that sucks, but look at this hangnail." And you are perfectly within your rights to say it, according to my philosophy.
I mean come on, we all have our crosses to bear, and depending on where you are in your life, the simplest cross may weigh 2000 lbs. So I am sorry your entire family was wiped out in a tragic cornflake explosion, but my life sucks too. Don't forget about my pain. I got a bad haircut yesterday and then my Hummer wouldn't start because I couldn't afford to gas it up last week and the housekeeper quit, so now I have to clean my own bathrooms.
I am thinking this philosophy, once I refine it and publish it, will make Dr. Phil look like a chump. We are in the "Me" era and people don't want to deal with guilt at all. It's too messy. So I remove the guilt from the equation by empowering people to feel sorry for themselves. Because, by God we are Americans and we have that right!! I am sure this was actually one of the parables Jesus used and the early church kicked it out so they could sell more indulgences. I mean come on, you all read The DaVinci Code and you know the Church has been covering things up for centuries. The Jesus/Mary Magdalene love affair is nothing compared to the church removing a parable that enables mankind to complain about his life with impunity. So the next time someone comes up to you and starts complaining about how his/her wife's mother's cousin's daughter has been diagnosed with terminal lupus, just smile serenely and let them know about your hangnail.
On to bigger and better things. I started this blog earlier in the day, when I was still in bondage at Tim's office. After an hour of me stomping around and complaining, he sent me to the bank again and told me I could leave after that. This is a great strategy and I highly recommend it as an effective way to get out of anything you don't want to do.
So I immediately went off to the Middle School to perform my unpaid volunteer work. I got to use the die cut machine, which was fun and then I got use the paper cutter. They had moved it to the middle of the library, which was great because the choir students were out there watching The Sound of Music. Now, personally, I hate that movie. I have never actually made it through the whole thing. I have a real aversion to singing nuns, and I always found Christopher Plummer frightening. But still, it passed the time, although I had to struggle against an almost overwhelming urge to stand up on a library table and belt out "Climb Every Mountain" along with Julie Andrews.
So part of working in the library is delivering completed die cut or laminating projects to the proper classrooms. God was smiling upon me today, because one of the projects was to be delivered to Abby's science class. Furthermore, Abby was in that class.
BRIGHT ORANGE HALLOWEEN SHIRT EMBROIDERED WITH WITCHES AND GHOSTS $19.99
BLACK AND ORANGE STRIPED HALLOWEEN SOCKS FULLY VISIBLE WHEN YOU WEAR CLOGS $2.99
DANGLY HALLOWEEN BRACELET DRIPPING WITH GHOSTS AND PUMPKINS $5.99
BANANA CLIP THAT DOES NOT QUITE HOLD HAIR BACK NEATLY $1.99
CHANCE TO THOROUGHLY HUMILIATE MY 6TH GRADE DAUGHTER BY APPEARING SUDDENLY IN HER SCIENCE CLASSROOM IN ABOVE OUTFIT......PRICELESS!!!
FOR EVERYTHING ELSE, THERE'S THERAPY!!
So needless to say, I am having a great day! I weasled out of work, embarassed Abby, and I still have an hour of silence to enjoy before the bus gets home. So I am off to play Pogo. I will keep y'all posted on the progress of the new book!
