dailydiatribes

Well, the snot fountain at my house continues and I finally dragged myself off to Renee's office today to seek help.  When I called to make the appointment, Joan put me on hold and when she came back on she said "Now what did you need?" and I said "I need a lot of drugs now!!"  She laughed and when I told her my name she said "Oh my God, you don't even sound like yourself!"

This little tale is scary on two levels.  One, Joan at Dr. Harmon's office knows me well enough to know when I don't sound like myself.  Ok, granted, her stepson did used to work for us, but still!  And two, I sounded that bad!

So I got in the car and off I went and Renee gave me drugs and I am hopefully on the road to recovery.  I went to Winn Dixie to get my prescription filled and I had to wait a few minutes and I became quite intrigued by the condom display.  Well here is a topic I can go on about for hours!!  It seems the world of condoms has evolved past the lubricated/non lubricated days.  And there is a whole line of condoms marketed just for women called "Elexa". 

First of all, let's look at the men's Trojans.  First they had the classics like lubricated and non lubricated.  Simple, tasteful, elegant enough for every day use.  Then you get into ridged and non ridged.  Hmmm, sounds like Ruffles to me; what exactly am I supposed to get out of the ridges?  Vaginal abrasions probably. 

Then they got exotic.  How about the ones with warming lube for shared pleasure?  I swear to you this was the name of the condom!!  What is so mutually pleasurable about that?  It sounds like a scam to me.  I mean come on, sex is already Hot and Wet right????  Isn't that kind of the point???  You need a special Trojan to simulate that state you're already in trouble my friend!!!

Then there was one, I kid you not, that was minty and was supposed to give you a pleasurable tingle.  It is called Mint Tingle.  I do not needy minty pleasurable tingles in my nether regions.  According to the website, it is the first food grade condom on the market.  Um, yes, I need a nutritional analysis with my Trojan please!!  And what about you diabetics out there?  Does it list the carb count or glucose??

I like that they come in sizes: Regular; Large; and Extra Large.  Hellooooooo... who is going to buy anything but Extra Large???  Not likely a guy is going to go to his pharmacist and say "I find the fit of the large a little loose; do you have anything smaller?"  Yes Hell WILL freeze over first before any guy admits he is anything other than hung like a stallion!!  The Extra Large is called Magnum and comes in a black package.  Kind of a racist marketing ploy if you ask me!

Then there is one called Twisted Pleasure with a special twist at the closed end to stimulate your partner.  All I can say is thank God it's at the closed end...wouldn't do you much good at the top now would it?  It doesn't say what kind of twist it is which disappoints me.  I may have to go buy the sample box which contains all three types and conduct my own trials.

I actually asked the pharmacist, because I was so riveted she had to call me over, if she thought there was a real difference between condoms marketed for men and for women.  She didn't know but she had always wondered herself.  I wanted to ask her if we could break open a couple of boxes and conduct some market research right there, but I didn't think she'd appreciate it.

Well, I went to the Elexa website to check out their products, which are marketed at women.  I was most intrigued by the Elexa vibrating ring, which is battery operated and designed to heighten sexual intimacy.  What happens if the battery catches on fire after you've inserted the ring??  New meaning to the term "hot sex"!!  It also comes with a condom since, after all, it is marketed by the Trojan people.  Alas, my intrigue ground to a halt when I saw the small print at the bottom informing me the vibrating ring was not available in the state of Alabama.  I guess vibrating rings are too sinful for us to use here in our great state.  More's the pity since I was thinking they would make great stocking stuffers this year.  Sorry folks!

Elexa also markets a cleansing wipe, which fortunately is available in Alabama.  It's to "give you and your partner an extra bit of freshness before and after an intimate encounter".  I guess if you have that not so fresh feeling, this is the product for you!!  Very helpful for removing excess warming lube or minty gel from your crotch before you put your panties on!

I think I really could go on and on for hours about this topic.  Obviously condoms are a big, uh excuse me, extra large business and there is a lot for us condom neophytes to learn!